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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The World Ended Two Days Early...

The Mayans were wrong, at least for me. 

Here I've been, counting the days until my husband gets to come home from Afghanistan to watch the birth of his daughter, his first child. Approximately 8 weeks earlier than the expected end of his deployment. I've downloaded cute little widgets on my phone to help keep me stay positive that one of the happiest days of my life is near and its actually something to look forward to. A widget that has actually kept me upbeat every day I wake up and see its one day closer. It's not just the day I get to hold my long awaited daughter in my arms but the day I have my amazing husband back too. It was supposed to be like winning the lottery twice in one day. I've never wanted anything more.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we were sad. Not because I was pregnant but because a deployment was near anyway. The last thing I wanted for myself and my husband was for him to miss the birth of his baby. Unfortunately, all of our planned attempts to have him home for the birth resulted in a devastating miscarriage. Not once, or twice but THREE times. I felt like my family would never be complete. Even though I have two boys and they make me happy, I wanted NEEDED her. 

After the initial shock wore off and our fertility specialist was able to determine the cause of my miscarriages,  I was a little more at ease. Still knowing he would miss it was still saddening but at least I'm still pregnant, right? Well, then comes the part where I'm promised he would make it home. I got my hopes up. This would be amazing! The Army actually cares about their soldiers and their family? "We promise", "Don't worry!", "We will make it happen!". This entire deployment, these words of reassurance has kept me excited for the future deployment, and I must say, I think I've handled this pretty well! After being high risk and having every pregnancy complication you could think of, nothing got me by besides those promises. To know that know matter what I go through right now, he will be there... by my side, holding my hand and being able to hold his baby as she takes her first breath. 

Well, the Mayans were a little off in their calculations because the world ended two days early for me. I woke up this morning to the worst news ever. He WON'T be coming home. To no surprise, the Army really doesn't care about the families after all. I've put in so much hard work supporting this battalion with volunteer work and even that didn't help. Here I sit, a blabbering fool. Crying my ass off at something neither of us can control. It doesn't change how terrible I feel. I'm devastated. Truly devastated. My face is red. I'm broke out in hives and it takes all I can to keep from hyperventilating. Why? He already had his replacement sent over. This was already taken care of. Now I get to sit home and care for a newborn as a single mother. No sleep, no help. No husband. I get to stare at the last person that will complete my family and try my hardest not to cry every time I look at her. To know she won't get that time to lay on her daddy's chest and listen to his heartbeat like she does mine. She won't get to hear his voice for months. What if he can't bond with her now? She won't be as tiny sitting in his arms when he gets home. He is going to miss the most special moment of his life. I hate it. Its things like this that keep me so pessimistic. I just want to throw the deployment jars across the room. I feel SO much anger right now. Mostly at myself . 

Well played Mayans Army, well played. 


1 comments:

  1. :( I'm so so sorry, Jackie. I know Matt is gonna do everything he can to make up for lost time when he gets back. I will totally babysit so you can take naps. I have a MUCH LARGER tolerance for children that aren't mine. Probably because I know I get to hand them back. ;) xo

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