Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve Kindness

Today marks 100 days since Matt has been gone (or 101 as his tracker says). Apparently mine doesn't count the day until its over with. Not sure. I just know that its far too many and it needs to double soon! 

After the whole incident with finding out Matt won't get to come home for the birth of our baby, I've been in somewhat of depression mode. Everything makes me sad, including commercials for fabric softener. Yes, that little Downy bear snuggling a baby just makes me melt ;) Well, tonight, I cried again. This time, it was due to an unexpected act of kindness from a random stranger. 

Phoenix and I decided to go to dinner at Applebee's. My diet consists of meat and veggies so it was the perfect place to get my fix and not have to clean the kitchen or wash dishes. We brought our Matt doll, like we always do. He sat right across from us and even enjoyed a little ice cream. We always get nice reactions from people telling us how cute it is and Phoenix loves it. He likes to tell everyone that asks that he is deployed to Afghanistan and is protecting the good guys from the bad ones. 

We finish our dinner and I sit my card out to the edge of the table. The waiter is taking an extra long time coming back getting back with our ticket and when he finally comes by, he says, "I'm sorry it took me so long but your check has already been taken care of by this gentleman to your left". With my most surprised face, I look next to me to find these three older strangers sitting there enjoying some drinks. The man that took care of our bill said, "It's not just because its Christmas, please thank your husband for his service!" He proceeded to ask where he was stationed and said he was very thankful for the servicemen and all of the families they leave behind, especially during the holidays and told me it was the least he could do. He even went as far as leaving my server a $20 tip. This random stranger, one who I will probably never meet again, had me moved to tears. Not just because he was thinking of us having to eat alone for Christmas Eve but more importantly for thinking about my husband and the sacrifices he has to make, regardless of any holiday. 

To this man, I thank him. I thank him for buying my dinner, for warming my heart and for reminding me there are still decent people in this world. To my husband, your hard work and sacrifices do not go unnoticed. By me or even strangers. You are the hardest worker I've ever met. You make me proud on a daily basis. You are the most favorite part about me and most certainly the best thing I've ever given to myself and the boys. We love you! 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The World Ended Two Days Early...

The Mayans were wrong, at least for me. 

Here I've been, counting the days until my husband gets to come home from Afghanistan to watch the birth of his daughter, his first child. Approximately 8 weeks earlier than the expected end of his deployment. I've downloaded cute little widgets on my phone to help keep me stay positive that one of the happiest days of my life is near and its actually something to look forward to. A widget that has actually kept me upbeat every day I wake up and see its one day closer. It's not just the day I get to hold my long awaited daughter in my arms but the day I have my amazing husband back too. It was supposed to be like winning the lottery twice in one day. I've never wanted anything more.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we were sad. Not because I was pregnant but because a deployment was near anyway. The last thing I wanted for myself and my husband was for him to miss the birth of his baby. Unfortunately, all of our planned attempts to have him home for the birth resulted in a devastating miscarriage. Not once, or twice but THREE times. I felt like my family would never be complete. Even though I have two boys and they make me happy, I wanted NEEDED her. 

After the initial shock wore off and our fertility specialist was able to determine the cause of my miscarriages,  I was a little more at ease. Still knowing he would miss it was still saddening but at least I'm still pregnant, right? Well, then comes the part where I'm promised he would make it home. I got my hopes up. This would be amazing! The Army actually cares about their soldiers and their family? "We promise", "Don't worry!", "We will make it happen!". This entire deployment, these words of reassurance has kept me excited for the future deployment, and I must say, I think I've handled this pretty well! After being high risk and having every pregnancy complication you could think of, nothing got me by besides those promises. To know that know matter what I go through right now, he will be there... by my side, holding my hand and being able to hold his baby as she takes her first breath. 

Well, the Mayans were a little off in their calculations because the world ended two days early for me. I woke up this morning to the worst news ever. He WON'T be coming home. To no surprise, the Army really doesn't care about the families after all. I've put in so much hard work supporting this battalion with volunteer work and even that didn't help. Here I sit, a blabbering fool. Crying my ass off at something neither of us can control. It doesn't change how terrible I feel. I'm devastated. Truly devastated. My face is red. I'm broke out in hives and it takes all I can to keep from hyperventilating. Why? He already had his replacement sent over. This was already taken care of. Now I get to sit home and care for a newborn as a single mother. No sleep, no help. No husband. I get to stare at the last person that will complete my family and try my hardest not to cry every time I look at her. To know she won't get that time to lay on her daddy's chest and listen to his heartbeat like she does mine. She won't get to hear his voice for months. What if he can't bond with her now? She won't be as tiny sitting in his arms when he gets home. He is going to miss the most special moment of his life. I hate it. Its things like this that keep me so pessimistic. I just want to throw the deployment jars across the room. I feel SO much anger right now. Mostly at myself . 

Well played Mayans Army, well played. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Our Santa is Drunk!

I hate to brag but I'm half way there!!! Not everyone.. just me! What a bonus it was getting knocked up! 

Before I start talking about current events, I will update you on Thanksgiving. Yes, I'm that far behind! 

I wasn't very happy about not being with my love during Thanksgiving so I had to think of something creative to send. Last time he missed it, I was able to have a big dinner ordered at Cracker Barrel for him and a friend, who was also away from their family during that time. This year, I had to improvise and make some substitutions. 

Inside this care package was Turkey, a Ham, Corn, Loaded Mashed Potatoes, Cranberry sauce, Caramel Apple pie and some Pumpkin Bread. It was the closest I could come to a real meal without fear of it spoiling. Next year will be the biggest and the best Thanksgiving ever! My family will be complete AND together!

The day after Thanksgiving, some of my family came to see me. It was tons of fun. My mom and aunt cooked us all a late Thanksgiving dinner, which was amazing. Of course I shared with Matt! 

After Thanksgiving, we had a small little birthday party where I had the cutest little cake. We shared that with Matt too! We never leave him out. 

He even got a little love from Azlynn! She was crazy over him!

After all of that eating and partying, he definitely needed one of his naps! I can't wait to have the real deal here napping with me and holding me tight! Forget all of that "I hate to snuggle" shit I used to say! We are going to be hugging so close, we both lose weight from sweating! 

And, Matt mentioned that this thing couldn't possibly look real. Well, try forgetting that you put him inside your car on a dreary, rainy night and then walking outside to unlock it and see this face light up! Your heart stops for a second... both from excitement and fear. You hope its really him surprising you but then you remember he is completely across the world and you'd be mad at him for surprising you so it must be some random, creepy man hoping to catch me unexpectedly and rape me when I get into the car. 

Alright, back to current events... 

If you have been following my blog from the very beginning, you will remember the very first Matt I made? His head was a little small and certainly not as long as his real banana head. 

Well, we took him for a travel to Alabama with us back in October and somehow, he got lost =\ I think he was somehow knocked out of the car during one of our many gas station stops. It was a sad day/vacation. We had so many plans for him! Well, we are finally over the mourning process and decided it was time to replace him with a newer, improved Matt! He comes with many faces! 

Unfortunately, as soon as we got him dressed, I think he overdosed on eggnog before reading to the boys! He looked quite hammered and I'm pretty sure he fell asleep reading because Sebastian had to take over. 

Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed when I caught him in the chair alone, downing his go-go juice!

He somehow lost his boots but we are really glad to have him back! Who needs an 'Elf on the Shelf' when you have this sexy, mischievousness Santa! I wonder what he will get into next?! Stay tuned to find out! 

We miss you like crazy, babe! You somehow seem to keep me feeling safe and loved 11,000 miles away. You're not my hero because you're a soldier. You're my hero because of everything you've become, everything you do for us, how much you love us... and yet you still manage to find time to be an amazing husband, role model and family man.  I know I've said it before but I honestly couldn't have found a better husband, even if I had built him myself. 

We love you! You are my favorite WNW! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

He Has Grown so Fast

Today marks day 81 since Matt has been gone. Just a few more days and we will be 50% of the way to the time he comes home for Brynzee!!! I'm very thankful that we were finally able to stay pregnant. After numerous heart breaking miscarriages, we had decided to wait until after deployment to try again. I'm so glad our plan didn't work out that way. This couldn't have been a better time. This deployment not only makes us stronger but he gets to come home to a bigger family! I still get giddy at the thought of us having a girl. The boys are going to love her as well, especially my sweet boy, Phoenix! 

Speaking of Phoenix, he is no longer going to be my baby. In just two short hours, he turns SIX. This makes me both happy and sad. I'm happy because I know he maturing and growing but so sad to watch him grow up so quickly. Just to think, he went from a baby that stopped breathing and died at birth to bounce right back into this healthy six year old. He amazes me every single day. The amount of compassion and love he has to offer just makes me proud. He is strong and I have no doubt in my mind that he will grow to be the best man he can be! He does have the best role model after all ;) 

(Here he is several weeks after being in the NICU)

(Here he is the day I got to bring him home!)

(Here he is today... six years young!)

This was right before school. Look at all of those freckles! No idea where they came from!

I surprised him by bringing his class cupcakes for lunch. 

He had an awesome birthday crown (The girl behind him was mad jealous!)

School lunch is disgusting these days! I think the only food these kids ate was the cupcakes. 

The entire class sang "Happy Birthday" to him. It was adorable. 

He even had a surprise goody bag waiting for him in his classroom. 

I checked him out and then we ate some Mexican for lunch and we decided to have dessert first. They came out and sang to him. He looked really scared and wasn't sure why they walked up to him beating on drums. And then they smeared cool whip on his nose. I don't think he was happy about that part. 

Sebastian an I decorated the table in his favorite color...

and organized his presents from Matt into the number SIX!

He was REALLY excited about all of his new games! Especially Little Big Planet! You did a great job.

And here is his birthday card. We are a zombie loving family!

The pictures not shown were the trip to Chuck E. Cheese and dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. He had a blast and on the ride home he complained his stomach hurt from eating dessert too many times! He had a great day. Too bad he has to grow so fast! I like him little. 

I decided to do a little interview with him and here are his responses:

1. How do you feel about being six?
"Good. I liked my birthday party."

2. Do you feel older?

3. Tell me something special about today?
"Its great. I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat Buffalo Wild Wings. I even ate my dessert first"

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is your favorite food?

6. Where is your favorite place to go?
"Kids N Play"

7. Who is your best friend?
"Tori and Matt"

8. What is your favorite show?

9. What is your favorite animal and why?
"I like eagles because they fly and eat worms"

10. Tell me your favorite song?
"Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas"

11. What is your favorite activity?

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

13. What kind of car will you drive?

14. Tell me your favorite part about birthdays?
"Opening presents"

15. If you got one thing for your birthday, what would it be?
"a G.I Joe police guy"

And, not to end this entire day about Phoenix, Sebastian had his second band recital tonight. As always, he did really well and didn't use his book at all! He is such a hot shot!

I am definitely proud of both of my boys. Well, ALL of my boys! That includes you, Matt! We love and miss you very much. We wish you were here to watch all of these moments. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Walking Dead Ruined it...

My day started off as a hot mess. Started off bad all because of the show, The Walking Dead and ended bad because of The Walking Dead. Mostly kidding but let me explain: 

I was browsing Pinterest last night looking for some pretty cool stuff to make. I ran across some cool zombie stuff and seen a poster for The Walking Dead. I downloaded the three episodes that I had missed and decided to watch all of them last night. Because of that, I was really late going to bed.... leading me to oversleep this morning, making Sebastian late for school. Once he was late, my entire day felt rushed. I left my house and dropped him off before heading to my OB appointment. 

I made it to my appointment a little early and was called back over an hour after my appointment was scheduled for. Then waited for the doctor FOREVERRRR. Once I was seen, I was told to bring my gestational diabetes log book and they would decide if I needed to be on any medication. I came home and talked to my husband for what seemed like seconds. He had to get off early so HE could watch The Walking Dead =\ Just glad it was the last episode! I hate sharing my husband time with any one or anything ;)  This part didn't really end my day badly, just made me bummed for the rest of it. 

I head back to my doctor appointment to receive my news. Waited for over an hour before I had to leave ONCE again, come home to get the boys and then head back. I check in at the front desk only to find out my name STILL hadn't been called so I wait... forever. I'm extremely exhausted at this point (remember that lack of sleep from The Walking Dead). I'm falling asleep in the chair and then I get called back. Based on my glucose readings, I have to start insulin shots (waaaaaahhhhhh!!!). Because the office is so busy and can't get me in until next week to teach me how to inject myself, I will be on pills this week. Seems as though everything falls apart for this pregnancy. I'm sure Matt is glad he isn't home for me to complain to however, I doubt any of this would have happened if he were home. You know how Murphy's Law goes. 

The boys and I grabbed something quick to eat and came home to get ready for bed. Its only 7:30 and they are already out like a light. I'm headed there myself. Right after I check my blog reports to see if my husband has even been reading any of my blog posts! So far, he didn't check it all last week. I guess I don't have to sit here and write out this long post, like I wanted to, about how amazing I thought he was and how much the boys and I miss him. I guess I could probably even post all of his Christmas gifts on here and he would never even know. OR... I could tell about this amazing little surprise I have lined up for him that might actually score me a 'Wife of the Year' award. I would tell you all about those things in this post but.. my eyes are heavy and I'm falling asleep as we speak. Maybe tomorrow ;)