Saturday, October 6, 2012

Trying to find the positive...

3 Weeks Down

Yay for 21 days passing, come on 170 more! 

The day started off pretty well. The end wasn't so well but we won't focus on that right now. First, I wake up to see my husband had sent me an email. It seems that I sleep so lightly and for a few minutes at a time because I'm forever waking up hoping for some type of contact. Even the littlest puts a smile on my face. He was even able to skip out of working for a few minutes to attempt to watch my live ultrasound. Didn't work out too well but at least he tried and that's what means the most. I wish he could be here to watch them live but it can't be a perfect world, now can it?! 

I got to my ultrasound this morning and was able to have the boys there to watch too. They were too busy rolling around on the couch and playing with the puzzles in the room to watch but at least I tried. I paid $160 for a 30 minute ultrasound. Sounds like a lot but that's a small price compared to what I'd pay to keep my amazing daddy updated on his little girl. Yes, GIRL! We did have an early ultrasound using the 'nub theory' and was told it was a girl. I was too stubborn to believe anything less so I rolled with that! I mean, she said she would bet all her money on it. I wouldn't have went after her money if she had been wrong! Lol Well, today it was confirmed again and FOR SURE, it was still a girl! I bought her first dress in that boutique to celebrate. Its the first of many. I can't wait to meet her! See mom, no penis!!! 

After the ultrasound, I ran a few errands, including to the car wash. That was a nightmare but I made it out alive. While I was there, a guy came up to me asking for money. Gave some lame excuse about his wife and daughter were both air lifted to Nashville and he needed gas money to get there. He probably could have sold those new Nike's for a few bucks! I wish I had some Army recruiting cards to pass out. Maybe he could go risk his life to earn a real check. Anyway, finished at the car wash and came home feeling sick. My sister checked my blood sugar and it was 70. She says that is low so I will have to take her word for it. I shared some pizza with the boys (So Paleo of me. Hehe) 

Phoenix has been pretty sick this week so he didn't eat his. Poor guy has been running a fever and coughing so hard it has to hurt. I have enjoyed him sleeping in my bed, even if he sleeps like an alligator. In between his waking up in coughing fits, I catch him rubbing my back or tummy until his arms fall lifeless again. Its so nice to have such an amazing man to teach my boys how to be good to their mommy (even if Sebastian never picked up on it!) Phoenix has even continued opening the car door like Matt used to :) My husband is good to me! Even after this long, he still treats me like a queen. 

After eating, I got to Skype with my husband for a little. I wish it were longer =\ I know I always complain because things suck about deployment. I've always been pessimistic. I feel that if I look at the possible bad part of everything and expect the worst, you won't be surprised when it happens. It just saves me time from getting my hopes up. I wish I weren't so negative. That I could just see the sunny skies and rainbows among all of the storms. I don't feel it makes me a bad person. It makes me ME and I'm grateful to have a husband that still loves me and puts up with my shit, even if he doesn't want to. I feel bad complaining about things. I have such a long list of the negative sides of this deployment and very few positive. Thinks like: very minimal communication (even if I get more than some wives.. sorry ladies!), crappy video quality, lack of picture sharing (I want to see everything he sees and can't), him missing out on my pregnancy, sleeping alone, things falling apart (besides me mentally), dealing with rowdy, sick kids alone and many more. I wouldn't have to deal with any of those if it weren't for the deployment. I know he didn't ask for any of those. I didn't either. I guess that is the price we have to pay for falling in love. I'd still give the world to be with him. I might complain but I'd still give it all up. 

I wish I could say that I understand what he is going through. Even though I've worked 15 hours a day in my lifetime and know how exhausting it is, I really don't know what kind of toll his hours takes on him. I'd like to say that I know he misses us as much as we miss him but I can't imagine anyone else feeling as much of a void as me. It would be nice to just feel what he feels to truly understand that it is as hard for him as it is for me. I know he has it bad and its just selfish of me to think I have it worse. I mean, its my fault that I sit around worrying about all of these negative things all day, right?! I wish I could just change my mindset and tell him how happy I am and how great and stable I am or how this deployment isn't effecting me at all and time is flying by. I can't. I won't lie. I will promise to not verbally communicate my dislike for deployments and hatred for the Army keeping my husband from his family (after this post!). I will leave those conversations for my girlfriends that understand and feel the same way. Yes, Mrs. D, that means you are on call for tomorrow ;) 

I've just realize how it doesn't help him any for me to freak out over this. It sucks to be upset at someone 10,700 miles away and not be able to hug them and tell them you are sorry for being an emotional, irrational, hormonal, bitchy pregnant lady. I know I hurt us both. He is just that ONE person that I want to confide everything in, have a complete meltdown with and still have him rub your hair and tell you that everything is going to be okay. 

He told me that I need to find the positive side of things. As much as I am grateful for the little time I get to talk to him, the fact that I know he is safe (doesn't make me less worried) and the fact that I know he will be home to watch his daughter be born in 5 more months, its really hard to pick out and talk about ONLY the positive side of everything ALL the time. I guess if there were only ONE positive thing about every single day, it would be that he is mine... and that is all that matters to me! 

Loving a military man isn't hard. The distance is hard. The worry is hard. The wait and the sacrifices are hard. But loving him.. that's the easiest thing I've ever done!

I love you Matty! You are my ZING!


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