Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I'm Making It

Day Four

I promise as time goes on, I won't continue to post the days. Hopefully there are so many days that pass so quickly that I lose track of the count. It seems as though this entire week is going to continue to be hard. I was hoping it would be over by now but I guess the reality of him being gone for so long is all I have been concentrating on. I know its not the best thing to focus on but all of my lack of sleep has me extra emotional, as if I am mourning from a funeral. I'm so physically and mentally exhausted that I already want a nap tomorrow. I need to get my shit together. So far, I've let the boys eat potato chips for breakfast, forgot to buy bread for their lunch so they had to eat at school, slacked on laundry so I was up until 1am waiting on the dryer because all of Sebastian's uniforms were dirty, I've forgotten to feed the cat and left the dog outside when I went to pick up a friend something from the gas station. I won't begin to describe how long I sat around before I brushed my teeth or put a bra on. I think after this week when he gets to where he is going and starts to settle, I will too. For now, I will remain a mess.

As for today,

I went to the fabric store to pick up from muslin cotton fabric for my "Stuffed Husband". Once I can catch up on sleep, which has eluded me for days now, and get my house cleaned, I will start this awesome project.  Then, I will pose him doing all of his favorite things..

I tried to come home and take a nap but I just can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. I closed my eyes in a dark room with a pillow and blanket but nothing helped. Once the boys came home from school, a nap would have been completely out of the question. I helped them with homework and read Phoenix a book. He said I don't read "As funny as Matt". Right before leaving, Matt took book duty and Phoenix REALLY enjoyed it. I think he is really missing that part of Matt being gone the most right now =[

Then it was time for our monthly FRG meeting. While I was gone to the meeting tonight, I came home to find that the dog had chewed up some of our blinds.... again. I guess he has anxiety when we all leave and just doesn't know what to do. And before you ask, Matt.. No, I did not beat him.

After the meeting, we stopped and picked up a pizza for dinner. I haven't cooked anything since Matt left, not even Ramen noodles. We opened up our box and started talking about Matt. Phoenix mentioned that Sebastian had already started eating his pizza without waiting for mommy. Then he said, "Well, that's not nice, bubba. Matt always waits for mommy to sit down before he eats!". That is completely true. It amazes me how observant he is and how much he looks up to Matt. Instead of tearing up like I wanted to, I walked to the door and grabbed a picture we had taken at Chuck E Cheese and taped it beside us. We sat there and ate dinner with our hero and talked about him the entire time. The boys liked it. I need to hurry up and finish my 'Stuffed Husband' or 'Matt Daddy' as we may call it.

I haven't heard from Matt all day. He warned me I may not but it still really sucks. Especially when that is the only thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think about when you go to bed. I'm sure I will hear from him sometime tomorrow. At least, I hope. While I go take some Tylenol PM and hope it helps me sleep, I will add these pictures of our photo session the day he deployed. They melt my heart.

Each night I put my head to my pillow, I try telling myself I'm strong because I've gone one more day without you. I know distance never separates two hearts with love like ours so my love will continue to grow to fill the miles between us. I love you very much and when I tell you that I love you, I don't say it out of habit. I say it because I like to remind you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my rock and my weakness. Being in the Army sure sucks sometimes. The distance is hard, the worry is hard and the sacrifices are hard but loving you is definitely the easiest thing I've ever done and THAT, my love, will NEVER change. You are my forever. Please stay safe and hurry home. I'm impatiently waiting <3


  1. I love you, prettiest girl! I also love the pictures! Whenever I get to my final destination, I will leave skype on and you guys can watch me sleep and shave! I'll also get working on facial expressions, you have to send meet a list of ones you want.