Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve Kindness

Today marks 100 days since Matt has been gone (or 101 as his tracker says). Apparently mine doesn't count the day until its over with. Not sure. I just know that its far too many and it needs to double soon! 

After the whole incident with finding out Matt won't get to come home for the birth of our baby, I've been in somewhat of depression mode. Everything makes me sad, including commercials for fabric softener. Yes, that little Downy bear snuggling a baby just makes me melt ;) Well, tonight, I cried again. This time, it was due to an unexpected act of kindness from a random stranger. 

Phoenix and I decided to go to dinner at Applebee's. My diet consists of meat and veggies so it was the perfect place to get my fix and not have to clean the kitchen or wash dishes. We brought our Matt doll, like we always do. He sat right across from us and even enjoyed a little ice cream. We always get nice reactions from people telling us how cute it is and Phoenix loves it. He likes to tell everyone that asks that he is deployed to Afghanistan and is protecting the good guys from the bad ones. 

We finish our dinner and I sit my card out to the edge of the table. The waiter is taking an extra long time coming back getting back with our ticket and when he finally comes by, he says, "I'm sorry it took me so long but your check has already been taken care of by this gentleman to your left". With my most surprised face, I look next to me to find these three older strangers sitting there enjoying some drinks. The man that took care of our bill said, "It's not just because its Christmas, please thank your husband for his service!" He proceeded to ask where he was stationed and said he was very thankful for the servicemen and all of the families they leave behind, especially during the holidays and told me it was the least he could do. He even went as far as leaving my server a $20 tip. This random stranger, one who I will probably never meet again, had me moved to tears. Not just because he was thinking of us having to eat alone for Christmas Eve but more importantly for thinking about my husband and the sacrifices he has to make, regardless of any holiday. 

To this man, I thank him. I thank him for buying my dinner, for warming my heart and for reminding me there are still decent people in this world. To my husband, your hard work and sacrifices do not go unnoticed. By me or even strangers. You are the hardest worker I've ever met. You make me proud on a daily basis. You are the most favorite part about me and most certainly the best thing I've ever given to myself and the boys. We love you! 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The World Ended Two Days Early...

The Mayans were wrong, at least for me. 

Here I've been, counting the days until my husband gets to come home from Afghanistan to watch the birth of his daughter, his first child. Approximately 8 weeks earlier than the expected end of his deployment. I've downloaded cute little widgets on my phone to help keep me stay positive that one of the happiest days of my life is near and its actually something to look forward to. A widget that has actually kept me upbeat every day I wake up and see its one day closer. It's not just the day I get to hold my long awaited daughter in my arms but the day I have my amazing husband back too. It was supposed to be like winning the lottery twice in one day. I've never wanted anything more.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we were sad. Not because I was pregnant but because a deployment was near anyway. The last thing I wanted for myself and my husband was for him to miss the birth of his baby. Unfortunately, all of our planned attempts to have him home for the birth resulted in a devastating miscarriage. Not once, or twice but THREE times. I felt like my family would never be complete. Even though I have two boys and they make me happy, I wanted NEEDED her. 

After the initial shock wore off and our fertility specialist was able to determine the cause of my miscarriages,  I was a little more at ease. Still knowing he would miss it was still saddening but at least I'm still pregnant, right? Well, then comes the part where I'm promised he would make it home. I got my hopes up. This would be amazing! The Army actually cares about their soldiers and their family? "We promise", "Don't worry!", "We will make it happen!". This entire deployment, these words of reassurance has kept me excited for the future deployment, and I must say, I think I've handled this pretty well! After being high risk and having every pregnancy complication you could think of, nothing got me by besides those promises. To know that know matter what I go through right now, he will be there... by my side, holding my hand and being able to hold his baby as she takes her first breath. 

Well, the Mayans were a little off in their calculations because the world ended two days early for me. I woke up this morning to the worst news ever. He WON'T be coming home. To no surprise, the Army really doesn't care about the families after all. I've put in so much hard work supporting this battalion with volunteer work and even that didn't help. Here I sit, a blabbering fool. Crying my ass off at something neither of us can control. It doesn't change how terrible I feel. I'm devastated. Truly devastated. My face is red. I'm broke out in hives and it takes all I can to keep from hyperventilating. Why? He already had his replacement sent over. This was already taken care of. Now I get to sit home and care for a newborn as a single mother. No sleep, no help. No husband. I get to stare at the last person that will complete my family and try my hardest not to cry every time I look at her. To know she won't get that time to lay on her daddy's chest and listen to his heartbeat like she does mine. She won't get to hear his voice for months. What if he can't bond with her now? She won't be as tiny sitting in his arms when he gets home. He is going to miss the most special moment of his life. I hate it. Its things like this that keep me so pessimistic. I just want to throw the deployment jars across the room. I feel SO much anger right now. Mostly at myself . 

Well played Mayans Army, well played. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Our Santa is Drunk!

I hate to brag but I'm half way there!!! Not everyone.. just me! What a bonus it was getting knocked up! 

Before I start talking about current events, I will update you on Thanksgiving. Yes, I'm that far behind! 

I wasn't very happy about not being with my love during Thanksgiving so I had to think of something creative to send. Last time he missed it, I was able to have a big dinner ordered at Cracker Barrel for him and a friend, who was also away from their family during that time. This year, I had to improvise and make some substitutions. 

Inside this care package was Turkey, a Ham, Corn, Loaded Mashed Potatoes, Cranberry sauce, Caramel Apple pie and some Pumpkin Bread. It was the closest I could come to a real meal without fear of it spoiling. Next year will be the biggest and the best Thanksgiving ever! My family will be complete AND together!

The day after Thanksgiving, some of my family came to see me. It was tons of fun. My mom and aunt cooked us all a late Thanksgiving dinner, which was amazing. Of course I shared with Matt! 

After Thanksgiving, we had a small little birthday party where I had the cutest little cake. We shared that with Matt too! We never leave him out. 

He even got a little love from Azlynn! She was crazy over him!

After all of that eating and partying, he definitely needed one of his naps! I can't wait to have the real deal here napping with me and holding me tight! Forget all of that "I hate to snuggle" shit I used to say! We are going to be hugging so close, we both lose weight from sweating! 

And, Matt mentioned that this thing couldn't possibly look real. Well, try forgetting that you put him inside your car on a dreary, rainy night and then walking outside to unlock it and see this face light up! Your heart stops for a second... both from excitement and fear. You hope its really him surprising you but then you remember he is completely across the world and you'd be mad at him for surprising you so it must be some random, creepy man hoping to catch me unexpectedly and rape me when I get into the car. 

Alright, back to current events... 

If you have been following my blog from the very beginning, you will remember the very first Matt I made? His head was a little small and certainly not as long as his real banana head. 

Well, we took him for a travel to Alabama with us back in October and somehow, he got lost =\ I think he was somehow knocked out of the car during one of our many gas station stops. It was a sad day/vacation. We had so many plans for him! Well, we are finally over the mourning process and decided it was time to replace him with a newer, improved Matt! He comes with many faces! 

Unfortunately, as soon as we got him dressed, I think he overdosed on eggnog before reading to the boys! He looked quite hammered and I'm pretty sure he fell asleep reading because Sebastian had to take over. 

Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed when I caught him in the chair alone, downing his go-go juice!

He somehow lost his boots but we are really glad to have him back! Who needs an 'Elf on the Shelf' when you have this sexy, mischievousness Santa! I wonder what he will get into next?! Stay tuned to find out! 

We miss you like crazy, babe! You somehow seem to keep me feeling safe and loved 11,000 miles away. You're not my hero because you're a soldier. You're my hero because of everything you've become, everything you do for us, how much you love us... and yet you still manage to find time to be an amazing husband, role model and family man.  I know I've said it before but I honestly couldn't have found a better husband, even if I had built him myself. 

We love you! You are my favorite WNW! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

He Has Grown so Fast

Today marks day 81 since Matt has been gone. Just a few more days and we will be 50% of the way to the time he comes home for Brynzee!!! I'm very thankful that we were finally able to stay pregnant. After numerous heart breaking miscarriages, we had decided to wait until after deployment to try again. I'm so glad our plan didn't work out that way. This couldn't have been a better time. This deployment not only makes us stronger but he gets to come home to a bigger family! I still get giddy at the thought of us having a girl. The boys are going to love her as well, especially my sweet boy, Phoenix! 

Speaking of Phoenix, he is no longer going to be my baby. In just two short hours, he turns SIX. This makes me both happy and sad. I'm happy because I know he maturing and growing but so sad to watch him grow up so quickly. Just to think, he went from a baby that stopped breathing and died at birth to bounce right back into this healthy six year old. He amazes me every single day. The amount of compassion and love he has to offer just makes me proud. He is strong and I have no doubt in my mind that he will grow to be the best man he can be! He does have the best role model after all ;) 

(Here he is several weeks after being in the NICU)

(Here he is the day I got to bring him home!)

(Here he is today... six years young!)

This was right before school. Look at all of those freckles! No idea where they came from!

I surprised him by bringing his class cupcakes for lunch. 

He had an awesome birthday crown (The girl behind him was mad jealous!)

School lunch is disgusting these days! I think the only food these kids ate was the cupcakes. 

The entire class sang "Happy Birthday" to him. It was adorable. 

He even had a surprise goody bag waiting for him in his classroom. 

I checked him out and then we ate some Mexican for lunch and we decided to have dessert first. They came out and sang to him. He looked really scared and wasn't sure why they walked up to him beating on drums. And then they smeared cool whip on his nose. I don't think he was happy about that part. 

Sebastian an I decorated the table in his favorite color...

and organized his presents from Matt into the number SIX!

He was REALLY excited about all of his new games! Especially Little Big Planet! You did a great job.

And here is his birthday card. We are a zombie loving family!

The pictures not shown were the trip to Chuck E. Cheese and dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. He had a blast and on the ride home he complained his stomach hurt from eating dessert too many times! He had a great day. Too bad he has to grow so fast! I like him little. 

I decided to do a little interview with him and here are his responses:

1. How do you feel about being six?
"Good. I liked my birthday party."

2. Do you feel older?

3. Tell me something special about today?
"Its great. I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat Buffalo Wild Wings. I even ate my dessert first"

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is your favorite food?

6. Where is your favorite place to go?
"Kids N Play"

7. Who is your best friend?
"Tori and Matt"

8. What is your favorite show?

9. What is your favorite animal and why?
"I like eagles because they fly and eat worms"

10. Tell me your favorite song?
"Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas"

11. What is your favorite activity?

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

13. What kind of car will you drive?

14. Tell me your favorite part about birthdays?
"Opening presents"

15. If you got one thing for your birthday, what would it be?
"a G.I Joe police guy"

And, not to end this entire day about Phoenix, Sebastian had his second band recital tonight. As always, he did really well and didn't use his book at all! He is such a hot shot!

I am definitely proud of both of my boys. Well, ALL of my boys! That includes you, Matt! We love and miss you very much. We wish you were here to watch all of these moments. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Walking Dead Ruined it...

My day started off as a hot mess. Started off bad all because of the show, The Walking Dead and ended bad because of The Walking Dead. Mostly kidding but let me explain: 

I was browsing Pinterest last night looking for some pretty cool stuff to make. I ran across some cool zombie stuff and seen a poster for The Walking Dead. I downloaded the three episodes that I had missed and decided to watch all of them last night. Because of that, I was really late going to bed.... leading me to oversleep this morning, making Sebastian late for school. Once he was late, my entire day felt rushed. I left my house and dropped him off before heading to my OB appointment. 

I made it to my appointment a little early and was called back over an hour after my appointment was scheduled for. Then waited for the doctor FOREVERRRR. Once I was seen, I was told to bring my gestational diabetes log book and they would decide if I needed to be on any medication. I came home and talked to my husband for what seemed like seconds. He had to get off early so HE could watch The Walking Dead =\ Just glad it was the last episode! I hate sharing my husband time with any one or anything ;)  This part didn't really end my day badly, just made me bummed for the rest of it. 

I head back to my doctor appointment to receive my news. Waited for over an hour before I had to leave ONCE again, come home to get the boys and then head back. I check in at the front desk only to find out my name STILL hadn't been called so I wait... forever. I'm extremely exhausted at this point (remember that lack of sleep from The Walking Dead). I'm falling asleep in the chair and then I get called back. Based on my glucose readings, I have to start insulin shots (waaaaaahhhhhh!!!). Because the office is so busy and can't get me in until next week to teach me how to inject myself, I will be on pills this week. Seems as though everything falls apart for this pregnancy. I'm sure Matt is glad he isn't home for me to complain to however, I doubt any of this would have happened if he were home. You know how Murphy's Law goes. 

The boys and I grabbed something quick to eat and came home to get ready for bed. Its only 7:30 and they are already out like a light. I'm headed there myself. Right after I check my blog reports to see if my husband has even been reading any of my blog posts! So far, he didn't check it all last week. I guess I don't have to sit here and write out this long post, like I wanted to, about how amazing I thought he was and how much the boys and I miss him. I guess I could probably even post all of his Christmas gifts on here and he would never even know. OR... I could tell about this amazing little surprise I have lined up for him that might actually score me a 'Wife of the Year' award. I would tell you all about those things in this post but.. my eyes are heavy and I'm falling asleep as we speak. Maybe tomorrow ;) 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Ruined My Birthday...

92 Days to Go! 

While I am really excited to say those top words, today was probably the hardest day since deployment began. It was very mentally exhausting and had me emotionally drained. As much as I really wanted to enjoy the day of my birth, I probably ruined it for myself. 

First thing this morning, I woke up sick and emotional. I'm assuming since I've been this way for three days, it must be something I've eaten. I had this huge headache that I could only explain as my blood pressure being high. I was seeing spots in front of my eyes and felt light headed. Before I left, I took my dog outside in the front yard because the back yard is getting a makeover, which I will talk more about in a few. As soon as I walk out the door, I inhale an overwhelming amount of gas. Apparently, the neighbors busted a gas line and our street was closed down by MP's. I couldn't get away from the smell. It was so strong, I started gagging and couldn't stop therefor I made myself sick again. I got dressed and met a few girls from my softball team (love these ladies) for a very tasty lunch at a Mexican restaurant that reminded me of back home. I can't wait to take my husband here when he gets home. We've been looking for a place like the one we were used to! I ate a few chips and I'm assuming from the all the gas I inhaled, I immediately got sick again. Barely made it to the bathroom. At this point, my stomach is not very happy with me. 

I did come home to this surprise in my mailbox. The balloons I later found out was from my awesome friend, Jenn. She is really the best battle buddy anyone can ask for. I like to think we help each other get through tough days. We are women and we get emotional and lonely so she is a great person to talk to. We know exactly what each other is going through. I'm definitely thankful for her. In case I don't tell you enough, Jenn, Thank you for always being there, full of insight, ideas and offers to bring me food and such! 

Inside my mailbox, I find two birthday cards, one from Matt's grandma (with money!!! Going to Hobby Lobby in the morning to get some retail therapy after today!) and then a sweet card from my other friend, Sarah! She knows how much I love Olive Garden!! Look what was inside that card! She is amazing. 

That was all of the good stuff so back to this morning. So, I told  you I'd explain the backyard overhaul. We are getting a new fence. A privacy fence. The men have been working on it for 4 days now. The first day, they pull up the old fence and then took the rest of the day off. The second day, they dig holes and put up the new posts, then took the day off. The third day, they came by to put straw down in the yard (not sure why) and then took the rest of the day off. All of this occurred before 10am. They had a really long lunch break I guess. Then today, the day they should be finished, they put up the wood.... all of the wood.... except the gate! The very thing I nee to keep this 100lb dog inside the wonderful fence they put up. It is NOT easy keeping a monster size dog on a leash in the front yard. He wants to chase every squirrel he sees and follow every person in sight. Those tugs don't help my torn rotator cuff in my shoulder. 

And before I start whining about how I ruined my day, here is an updated belly picture. She is growing fast. I'm 6 months in 2 days. 

Now, off to the miserable part. The part that I brought on myself. The part that ruined everything good that even happened today. Like I said, I woke up emotional. Maybe it was pregnancy hormones or the fact that sometimes I over think things. I expect too many things to happen in a certain way. Almost expecting life and the people in it to be like that out of a fairy tale. I know this isn't realistic. I just want certain things to go so right. When they don't, I turn into a negative brat and think how horrible things are for me. Why do I do this to myself? I've asked myself the same thing and have no idea. I don't expect my life to be perfect and I shouldn't expect the people in them to be either so when things just don't work out for me, I shouldn't beat myself up. I can't change people. I can't make them who they aren't. I am trying so hard to learn that I have to accept the way things are and move on. To not let things so small (no matter how big they seem to me) get  under my skin and change the way I feel, both about myself and anyone else involved. Today, I cried like a baby. Swollen face and eyes and didn't even try to enjoy my day with my boys =[ I also didn't get to REALLY talk to the ONE person that has all of the power in the world to make me happy again. The one guy that makes my day better just by seeing his face, without even hearing his voice. I messed all of this up. Instead of sucking up what had been bothering me, I let it affect me and everyone around me. The people that matter the most. I spent my day being so upset with myself that all of my boys suffered. I fell asleep on the couch around 3pm, due to my excessive crybaby fit, and was woke up at 6pm to my kids asking, "Mom, are we going to have dinner tonight?"  Instead of getting up and finishing my day the right way, with dinner, a movie and some snuggling from the ones I love most, I spent it on the couch =[ I love my boys and I promise to make it up to them. I will have another birthday tomorrow. I apologize to everyone that my actions affected today. I'm a brat. I'm just thankful to the people that accept me for the way I am and love me no matter what. We all have flaws. Sometimes we just have to learn to change our own flaws in order to make other people happy or live with them and make other people unhappy. As for me, I guess I'd rather try my hardest to change my bad ways in order to keep myself and the people around me happy. They deserve that and so do I. I promise to try my best from now on <3

Before bed, a few of us were lucky enough to snuggle with the main man. We all miss him. Its really hard being 11,000 miles away from the other half of your heart and not being able to hug the real thing when you feel your worst. For now, we will have to settle for cardboard. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Shit is about to get fancy up in here!

Keep an eye out on the blog for the next 24 hours. I stayed up until 1am doing research on how to fix my own blog and make it look the kind of pretty I had in my head. Apparently thinking was a good idea because it really looks like ass right now. I tried to design a pink Chevron background in Photoshop. It looked amazing but every time I uploaded it, my lines weren't measuring up right and it was driving me crazier than having my kids home from school on a weekday. That's okay, I found a professional and a bad ass blog layout. You just wait and see! Check out this before and (when it gets finished) the after!

This is totally not my style but it was the only background I found to match the template I had.

Blog Template and Installation courtesy of Blogaholic Designs!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

The days linger on...

The days just linger on when I don't hear from him.

Its days like these that make me wish I could sleep all day. The weather was nice but not hearing from him throughout it was just dreadful. Usually I get random emails answering questions I harassed him for the night before or a note just to say that he hopes I'm having a good day. Today was different. Unfortunately, he had to work 16+ hours apparently building the Ritz Hotel of a cardboard work station. Never really understood why the Army wants things to look so pretty in a country that is not so much, but hey.. it keeps them busy. I just wish some days were slower so he could fill my void of missing him by watching his face all day on Skype. I guess its probably a good thing he thinks I'm joking when I say I'd even watch him sleep just to be able to see him. And, I'd do it.. because I'm a total creeper like that =]

My day didn't start off well in the beginning. Not because I knew I wouldn't hear from him all afternoon but because I didn't get any sleep. My two little crazies were up all night fighting over the upstairs bathroom and whose turn it was to puke and poop. At times, Sebastian was doing them both at the same time (everyone who knows me, knows there is never enough TMI so bare with me if you're new). Let's just say it was a long night. Not to mention all of that Halloween walking made my hips hurt like crazy. I thought my legs were going to snap off at the hip like a Barbie every time I tossed and turned. I guess this little baby is growing to remind me of the horrible pregnancy perks that come with that one night of fun. 

Anyway, of course both of the boys stayed home from school this morning and MAGICALLY felt better by noon. Funny how that works out. I'm upstairs getting dressed and presentable. I figured since I felt like shit, I might as well try to appear like I look better. During this adventure of trying to find something that fits and not irritating around my growing belly, all I hear is, "Bubba, stop it! You're not my boss!" and "Stop being a baby before mommy hears you!". I stomp down the stairs and threaten to eat all of their Halloween candy if they don't shut up. It worked... for a minute. They knew I hated chocolate =\

We did manage to get a few things accomplished today. Some are a secret because they are for dad but we did manage to get haircuts. Phoenix loved his "spiky rainbow mohawk" and in true form fashion, Sebastian just complained as usual, "I don't understand why its a big deal to brush my hair everyday anyway!" In between errands, letting the dog run the field out back and cleaning, I finished doing laundry (something I love as much as getting my period while wearing white shorts). 

I guess we all deserved some time to unwind after our busy night of trick-or-treating. We wish he could have been here but there is always next time I s'pose. These next few months are REALLY going to suck without him. I think the Army planned this deployment perfectly. He will miss absolutely every single meaningful holiday. I'm just thankful he can be home for the birth of our daughter. Still crossing my fingers he makes it on time and she doesn't have a mind of her own and make her arrival before he gets off that plane. Anyway, the boys had a great time last night. They said it was the biggest score they've had in such a short time. My hips and feet surely thought it was much longer and definitely not worth it. I'm just glad its over with and we came home to pass out candy instead. I think they have enough to re-gift even fill their stockings with ;) 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

25.9% of the way there!

45 Days Down and Counting

I have never really been great at Math but with the help of Google (and hoping it is accurate), it seems as though I am 25.9% of the way through this deployment. Well, not really but at least until I get to see him (and that is going based on the rumors of when he might come home for the birth of our little girl). I am crossing every finger and toe that I have that he won't have to go back! Even if my calculations are wrong, I'm sticking with the 25%. I couldn't bare going back to any less!

With the holidays coming up, I'm struggling with him not being here. I know it will equally suck for him but I just don't know what to send, personally from myself. The boys have crafts for him but I want something from ME. Before I was able to order him a big Thanksgiving meal from Cracker Barrel and let him pig out but this time isn't the same. I'm sure they will have good food (or decent at least) but its not the same when I can't make it myself or even spend time with him. I'd even be happy with Skyping while he ate and even do it a day early just to have his face with us at the table. Okay.. onto a new subject before I cry again.

So, today was a pretty good day. I've been pretty stressed and emotional lately. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones, the stress of him being away or perhaps just me being a woman, who knows. Anyway, I'm pretty sure my hubby knew I was having a pretty awful week and even though I know he won't be eating them, he requested that I bake him some cookies. He knows that baking helps me with stress and I wouldn't feel like baking unless HE asked for them so.... I baked all day! I made a total of 10 dozen. Six dozen oatmeal raisin and four dozen peanut butter. He might eat 5 total but he knew what he was doing and I love him for that! Here is two satchels full of cookies that I couldn't fit into his box! He should have plenty to snack on.

(excuse the terrible cell phone pic. This is as 'professional' as I get these days)

Along with his package of goodies, he will also be getting... another package of goodies. 

Besides these two boxes, he is still waiting on 3 more in the mail. It kills me how slow it is. They shipped out two weeks ago and he still hasn't received them, nor has he received one I sent a month ago =\ I fear it may just be lost. There were some snacks (probably not good by now) and some drawings from the boys. I'm thinking I might need to get started on his Thanksgiving box and send it this week and just pray it might arrive before Thanksgiving is actually over. Oh, and I'm still missing a package he said he sent over a month ago. Getting mail from him once made my week and now the other package is lost. Just my luck!

As for a Brynzee update. I still haven't gained any weight and not sure why (because I eat... a lot!) but my belly is slowly growing. I will show a picture tomorrow when I decide to brush my hair and put on something besides tshirts and sweats. Looking decent is pretty hard to come by these days ;) My pregnancy app says she weighs about 10 ounces and is as long as a carrot (about 10 inches). Doesn't seem like much but she is already growing too fast. Doesn't feel like I'm half way over my pregnancy already. I still have so much to do to get ready for her. I haven't painted her room, put her bed together, gotten bedding ordered or even finished going through her clothes (which is A LOT, might I add). I hope I find enough energy.. and soon!

Anyway, as I sit here updating this blog, I look over and see these guys. Its about time for me to get to bed too. I've gotten old these days. Before Matt left, I couldn't sleep before midnight. Now, I struggle to stay up past 10. This baby is sucking the life out of me. She better be cute to make up for it ;)

Goodnight. I'm off to dream about my love and the amazing family we are growing together =]

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Trying to find the positive...

3 Weeks Down

Yay for 21 days passing, come on 170 more! 

The day started off pretty well. The end wasn't so well but we won't focus on that right now. First, I wake up to see my husband had sent me an email. It seems that I sleep so lightly and for a few minutes at a time because I'm forever waking up hoping for some type of contact. Even the littlest puts a smile on my face. He was even able to skip out of working for a few minutes to attempt to watch my live ultrasound. Didn't work out too well but at least he tried and that's what means the most. I wish he could be here to watch them live but it can't be a perfect world, now can it?! 

I got to my ultrasound this morning and was able to have the boys there to watch too. They were too busy rolling around on the couch and playing with the puzzles in the room to watch but at least I tried. I paid $160 for a 30 minute ultrasound. Sounds like a lot but that's a small price compared to what I'd pay to keep my amazing daddy updated on his little girl. Yes, GIRL! We did have an early ultrasound using the 'nub theory' and was told it was a girl. I was too stubborn to believe anything less so I rolled with that! I mean, she said she would bet all her money on it. I wouldn't have went after her money if she had been wrong! Lol Well, today it was confirmed again and FOR SURE, it was still a girl! I bought her first dress in that boutique to celebrate. Its the first of many. I can't wait to meet her! See mom, no penis!!! 

After the ultrasound, I ran a few errands, including to the car wash. That was a nightmare but I made it out alive. While I was there, a guy came up to me asking for money. Gave some lame excuse about his wife and daughter were both air lifted to Nashville and he needed gas money to get there. He probably could have sold those new Nike's for a few bucks! I wish I had some Army recruiting cards to pass out. Maybe he could go risk his life to earn a real check. Anyway, finished at the car wash and came home feeling sick. My sister checked my blood sugar and it was 70. She says that is low so I will have to take her word for it. I shared some pizza with the boys (So Paleo of me. Hehe) 

Phoenix has been pretty sick this week so he didn't eat his. Poor guy has been running a fever and coughing so hard it has to hurt. I have enjoyed him sleeping in my bed, even if he sleeps like an alligator. In between his waking up in coughing fits, I catch him rubbing my back or tummy until his arms fall lifeless again. Its so nice to have such an amazing man to teach my boys how to be good to their mommy (even if Sebastian never picked up on it!) Phoenix has even continued opening the car door like Matt used to :) My husband is good to me! Even after this long, he still treats me like a queen. 

After eating, I got to Skype with my husband for a little. I wish it were longer =\ I know I always complain because things suck about deployment. I've always been pessimistic. I feel that if I look at the possible bad part of everything and expect the worst, you won't be surprised when it happens. It just saves me time from getting my hopes up. I wish I weren't so negative. That I could just see the sunny skies and rainbows among all of the storms. I don't feel it makes me a bad person. It makes me ME and I'm grateful to have a husband that still loves me and puts up with my shit, even if he doesn't want to. I feel bad complaining about things. I have such a long list of the negative sides of this deployment and very few positive. Thinks like: very minimal communication (even if I get more than some wives.. sorry ladies!), crappy video quality, lack of picture sharing (I want to see everything he sees and can't), him missing out on my pregnancy, sleeping alone, things falling apart (besides me mentally), dealing with rowdy, sick kids alone and many more. I wouldn't have to deal with any of those if it weren't for the deployment. I know he didn't ask for any of those. I didn't either. I guess that is the price we have to pay for falling in love. I'd still give the world to be with him. I might complain but I'd still give it all up. 

I wish I could say that I understand what he is going through. Even though I've worked 15 hours a day in my lifetime and know how exhausting it is, I really don't know what kind of toll his hours takes on him. I'd like to say that I know he misses us as much as we miss him but I can't imagine anyone else feeling as much of a void as me. It would be nice to just feel what he feels to truly understand that it is as hard for him as it is for me. I know he has it bad and its just selfish of me to think I have it worse. I mean, its my fault that I sit around worrying about all of these negative things all day, right?! I wish I could just change my mindset and tell him how happy I am and how great and stable I am or how this deployment isn't effecting me at all and time is flying by. I can't. I won't lie. I will promise to not verbally communicate my dislike for deployments and hatred for the Army keeping my husband from his family (after this post!). I will leave those conversations for my girlfriends that understand and feel the same way. Yes, Mrs. D, that means you are on call for tomorrow ;) 

I've just realize how it doesn't help him any for me to freak out over this. It sucks to be upset at someone 10,700 miles away and not be able to hug them and tell them you are sorry for being an emotional, irrational, hormonal, bitchy pregnant lady. I know I hurt us both. He is just that ONE person that I want to confide everything in, have a complete meltdown with and still have him rub your hair and tell you that everything is going to be okay. 

He told me that I need to find the positive side of things. As much as I am grateful for the little time I get to talk to him, the fact that I know he is safe (doesn't make me less worried) and the fact that I know he will be home to watch his daughter be born in 5 more months, its really hard to pick out and talk about ONLY the positive side of everything ALL the time. I guess if there were only ONE positive thing about every single day, it would be that he is mine... and that is all that matters to me! 

Loving a military man isn't hard. The distance is hard. The worry is hard. The wait and the sacrifices are hard. But loving him.. that's the easiest thing I've ever done!

I love you Matty! You are my ZING!