Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I never finish anythi...

Yes, I'm a slacker. Lately I've done this thing called 'sleep'. Its pretty amazing actually. I do it all the time and I'm kind of a pro. Because of this slight addiction to focusing so much on the back of my eyelids, I have put off all cool things, including blogging. I will try my best to start updating more often. 

I really DO have a lot to talk about. Just ask my husband about the daily email he gets! I'm sure he'd fill you in. Lots of chatter about nothing important, more chatter about a few important things, more mindless chatter and then QUESTIONS! The dreaded bullet point, 'you-better-answer-this-thoroughly-or-you-will-never-hear-the-end-of-it' type of bullet points. The kind I number so he's sure not to miss a single one. He's pretty good about getting back to me and making me feel like I really asked some important shit. I'm pretty positive he absolutely hates it but he'd never tell. Plus, he always says the right things! Damn him for being so perfect! Makes me think he is some Stepford Husband or something. Keeps me wondering when and IF he will ever slip up and show me he is a real human. Humans aren't perfect, right? I mean, check this out... 

Me: #8 -  "If there is one thing you miss about our very early dating days, what would it be?"

Him:  #8 - "There's nothing to miss.  I love you increasingly more every day!  So, by default, missing something from back then would mean that I want to love you less." 

I know, right?! He has to be a robot. HAS to be!  <3 

Basically, this man is amazing! Not to brag too much and get you all jealous and wanting of him (because I will cut you) but I love him so freaking much! With every ounce I have to give, he is THE ONE. Always has been, from day one and not just because he never farts in front of me, always remembers to put the toilet seat down and LOVES laundry. There was just something about him. I have found my perfect and he is truly my happy. I'd be lost without him. For realzy. 

Well, I intended to write more than just how amazing my husband was but, like I said in the title...

I never finish anythi

Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve Kindness

Today marks 100 days since Matt has been gone (or 101 as his tracker says). Apparently mine doesn't count the day until its over with. Not sure. I just know that its far too many and it needs to double soon! 

After the whole incident with finding out Matt won't get to come home for the birth of our baby, I've been in somewhat of depression mode. Everything makes me sad, including commercials for fabric softener. Yes, that little Downy bear snuggling a baby just makes me melt ;) Well, tonight, I cried again. This time, it was due to an unexpected act of kindness from a random stranger. 

Phoenix and I decided to go to dinner at Applebee's. My diet consists of meat and veggies so it was the perfect place to get my fix and not have to clean the kitchen or wash dishes. We brought our Matt doll, like we always do. He sat right across from us and even enjoyed a little ice cream. We always get nice reactions from people telling us how cute it is and Phoenix loves it. He likes to tell everyone that asks that he is deployed to Afghanistan and is protecting the good guys from the bad ones. 

We finish our dinner and I sit my card out to the edge of the table. The waiter is taking an extra long time coming back getting back with our ticket and when he finally comes by, he says, "I'm sorry it took me so long but your check has already been taken care of by this gentleman to your left". With my most surprised face, I look next to me to find these three older strangers sitting there enjoying some drinks. The man that took care of our bill said, "It's not just because its Christmas, please thank your husband for his service!" He proceeded to ask where he was stationed and said he was very thankful for the servicemen and all of the families they leave behind, especially during the holidays and told me it was the least he could do. He even went as far as leaving my server a $20 tip. This random stranger, one who I will probably never meet again, had me moved to tears. Not just because he was thinking of us having to eat alone for Christmas Eve but more importantly for thinking about my husband and the sacrifices he has to make, regardless of any holiday. 

To this man, I thank him. I thank him for buying my dinner, for warming my heart and for reminding me there are still decent people in this world. To my husband, your hard work and sacrifices do not go unnoticed. By me or even strangers. You are the hardest worker I've ever met. You make me proud on a daily basis. You are the most favorite part about me and most certainly the best thing I've ever given to myself and the boys. We love you! 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The World Ended Two Days Early...

The Mayans were wrong, at least for me. 

Here I've been, counting the days until my husband gets to come home from Afghanistan to watch the birth of his daughter, his first child. Approximately 8 weeks earlier than the expected end of his deployment. I've downloaded cute little widgets on my phone to help keep me stay positive that one of the happiest days of my life is near and its actually something to look forward to. A widget that has actually kept me upbeat every day I wake up and see its one day closer. It's not just the day I get to hold my long awaited daughter in my arms but the day I have my amazing husband back too. It was supposed to be like winning the lottery twice in one day. I've never wanted anything more.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we were sad. Not because I was pregnant but because a deployment was near anyway. The last thing I wanted for myself and my husband was for him to miss the birth of his baby. Unfortunately, all of our planned attempts to have him home for the birth resulted in a devastating miscarriage. Not once, or twice but THREE times. I felt like my family would never be complete. Even though I have two boys and they make me happy, I wanted NEEDED her. 

After the initial shock wore off and our fertility specialist was able to determine the cause of my miscarriages,  I was a little more at ease. Still knowing he would miss it was still saddening but at least I'm still pregnant, right? Well, then comes the part where I'm promised he would make it home. I got my hopes up. This would be amazing! The Army actually cares about their soldiers and their family? "We promise", "Don't worry!", "We will make it happen!". This entire deployment, these words of reassurance has kept me excited for the future deployment, and I must say, I think I've handled this pretty well! After being high risk and having every pregnancy complication you could think of, nothing got me by besides those promises. To know that know matter what I go through right now, he will be there... by my side, holding my hand and being able to hold his baby as she takes her first breath. 

Well, the Mayans were a little off in their calculations because the world ended two days early for me. I woke up this morning to the worst news ever. He WON'T be coming home. To no surprise, the Army really doesn't care about the families after all. I've put in so much hard work supporting this battalion with volunteer work and even that didn't help. Here I sit, a blabbering fool. Crying my ass off at something neither of us can control. It doesn't change how terrible I feel. I'm devastated. Truly devastated. My face is red. I'm broke out in hives and it takes all I can to keep from hyperventilating. Why? He already had his replacement sent over. This was already taken care of. Now I get to sit home and care for a newborn as a single mother. No sleep, no help. No husband. I get to stare at the last person that will complete my family and try my hardest not to cry every time I look at her. To know she won't get that time to lay on her daddy's chest and listen to his heartbeat like she does mine. She won't get to hear his voice for months. What if he can't bond with her now? She won't be as tiny sitting in his arms when he gets home. He is going to miss the most special moment of his life. I hate it. Its things like this that keep me so pessimistic. I just want to throw the deployment jars across the room. I feel SO much anger right now. Mostly at myself . 

Well played Mayans Army, well played. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Our Santa is Drunk!

I hate to brag but I'm half way there!!! Not everyone.. just me! What a bonus it was getting knocked up! 

Before I start talking about current events, I will update you on Thanksgiving. Yes, I'm that far behind! 

I wasn't very happy about not being with my love during Thanksgiving so I had to think of something creative to send. Last time he missed it, I was able to have a big dinner ordered at Cracker Barrel for him and a friend, who was also away from their family during that time. This year, I had to improvise and make some substitutions. 

Inside this care package was Turkey, a Ham, Corn, Loaded Mashed Potatoes, Cranberry sauce, Caramel Apple pie and some Pumpkin Bread. It was the closest I could come to a real meal without fear of it spoiling. Next year will be the biggest and the best Thanksgiving ever! My family will be complete AND together!

The day after Thanksgiving, some of my family came to see me. It was tons of fun. My mom and aunt cooked us all a late Thanksgiving dinner, which was amazing. Of course I shared with Matt! 

After Thanksgiving, we had a small little birthday party where I had the cutest little cake. We shared that with Matt too! We never leave him out. 

He even got a little love from Azlynn! She was crazy over him!

After all of that eating and partying, he definitely needed one of his naps! I can't wait to have the real deal here napping with me and holding me tight! Forget all of that "I hate to snuggle" shit I used to say! We are going to be hugging so close, we both lose weight from sweating! 

And, Matt mentioned that this thing couldn't possibly look real. Well, try forgetting that you put him inside your car on a dreary, rainy night and then walking outside to unlock it and see this face light up! Your heart stops for a second... both from excitement and fear. You hope its really him surprising you but then you remember he is completely across the world and you'd be mad at him for surprising you so it must be some random, creepy man hoping to catch me unexpectedly and rape me when I get into the car. 

Alright, back to current events... 

If you have been following my blog from the very beginning, you will remember the very first Matt I made? His head was a little small and certainly not as long as his real banana head. 

Well, we took him for a travel to Alabama with us back in October and somehow, he got lost =\ I think he was somehow knocked out of the car during one of our many gas station stops. It was a sad day/vacation. We had so many plans for him! Well, we are finally over the mourning process and decided it was time to replace him with a newer, improved Matt! He comes with many faces! 

Unfortunately, as soon as we got him dressed, I think he overdosed on eggnog before reading to the boys! He looked quite hammered and I'm pretty sure he fell asleep reading because Sebastian had to take over. 

Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed when I caught him in the chair alone, downing his go-go juice!

He somehow lost his boots but we are really glad to have him back! Who needs an 'Elf on the Shelf' when you have this sexy, mischievousness Santa! I wonder what he will get into next?! Stay tuned to find out! 

We miss you like crazy, babe! You somehow seem to keep me feeling safe and loved 11,000 miles away. You're not my hero because you're a soldier. You're my hero because of everything you've become, everything you do for us, how much you love us... and yet you still manage to find time to be an amazing husband, role model and family man.  I know I've said it before but I honestly couldn't have found a better husband, even if I had built him myself. 

We love you! You are my favorite WNW! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

He Has Grown so Fast

Today marks day 81 since Matt has been gone. Just a few more days and we will be 50% of the way to the time he comes home for Brynzee!!! I'm very thankful that we were finally able to stay pregnant. After numerous heart breaking miscarriages, we had decided to wait until after deployment to try again. I'm so glad our plan didn't work out that way. This couldn't have been a better time. This deployment not only makes us stronger but he gets to come home to a bigger family! I still get giddy at the thought of us having a girl. The boys are going to love her as well, especially my sweet boy, Phoenix! 

Speaking of Phoenix, he is no longer going to be my baby. In just two short hours, he turns SIX. This makes me both happy and sad. I'm happy because I know he maturing and growing but so sad to watch him grow up so quickly. Just to think, he went from a baby that stopped breathing and died at birth to bounce right back into this healthy six year old. He amazes me every single day. The amount of compassion and love he has to offer just makes me proud. He is strong and I have no doubt in my mind that he will grow to be the best man he can be! He does have the best role model after all ;) 

(Here he is several weeks after being in the NICU)

(Here he is the day I got to bring him home!)

(Here he is today... six years young!)

This was right before school. Look at all of those freckles! No idea where they came from!

I surprised him by bringing his class cupcakes for lunch. 

He had an awesome birthday crown (The girl behind him was mad jealous!)

School lunch is disgusting these days! I think the only food these kids ate was the cupcakes. 

The entire class sang "Happy Birthday" to him. It was adorable. 

He even had a surprise goody bag waiting for him in his classroom. 

I checked him out and then we ate some Mexican for lunch and we decided to have dessert first. They came out and sang to him. He looked really scared and wasn't sure why they walked up to him beating on drums. And then they smeared cool whip on his nose. I don't think he was happy about that part. 

Sebastian an I decorated the table in his favorite color...

and organized his presents from Matt into the number SIX!

He was REALLY excited about all of his new games! Especially Little Big Planet! You did a great job.

And here is his birthday card. We are a zombie loving family!

The pictures not shown were the trip to Chuck E. Cheese and dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. He had a blast and on the ride home he complained his stomach hurt from eating dessert too many times! He had a great day. Too bad he has to grow so fast! I like him little. 

I decided to do a little interview with him and here are his responses:

1. How do you feel about being six?
"Good. I liked my birthday party."

2. Do you feel older?

3. Tell me something special about today?
"Its great. I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat Buffalo Wild Wings. I even ate my dessert first"

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is your favorite food?

6. Where is your favorite place to go?
"Kids N Play"

7. Who is your best friend?
"Tori and Matt"

8. What is your favorite show?

9. What is your favorite animal and why?
"I like eagles because they fly and eat worms"

10. Tell me your favorite song?
"Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas"

11. What is your favorite activity?

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

13. What kind of car will you drive?

14. Tell me your favorite part about birthdays?
"Opening presents"

15. If you got one thing for your birthday, what would it be?
"a G.I Joe police guy"

And, not to end this entire day about Phoenix, Sebastian had his second band recital tonight. As always, he did really well and didn't use his book at all! He is such a hot shot!

I am definitely proud of both of my boys. Well, ALL of my boys! That includes you, Matt! We love and miss you very much. We wish you were here to watch all of these moments. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Walking Dead Ruined it...

My day started off as a hot mess. Started off bad all because of the show, The Walking Dead and ended bad because of The Walking Dead. Mostly kidding but let me explain: 

I was browsing Pinterest last night looking for some pretty cool stuff to make. I ran across some cool zombie stuff and seen a poster for The Walking Dead. I downloaded the three episodes that I had missed and decided to watch all of them last night. Because of that, I was really late going to bed.... leading me to oversleep this morning, making Sebastian late for school. Once he was late, my entire day felt rushed. I left my house and dropped him off before heading to my OB appointment. 

I made it to my appointment a little early and was called back over an hour after my appointment was scheduled for. Then waited for the doctor FOREVERRRR. Once I was seen, I was told to bring my gestational diabetes log book and they would decide if I needed to be on any medication. I came home and talked to my husband for what seemed like seconds. He had to get off early so HE could watch The Walking Dead =\ Just glad it was the last episode! I hate sharing my husband time with any one or anything ;)  This part didn't really end my day badly, just made me bummed for the rest of it. 

I head back to my doctor appointment to receive my news. Waited for over an hour before I had to leave ONCE again, come home to get the boys and then head back. I check in at the front desk only to find out my name STILL hadn't been called so I wait... forever. I'm extremely exhausted at this point (remember that lack of sleep from The Walking Dead). I'm falling asleep in the chair and then I get called back. Based on my glucose readings, I have to start insulin shots (waaaaaahhhhhh!!!). Because the office is so busy and can't get me in until next week to teach me how to inject myself, I will be on pills this week. Seems as though everything falls apart for this pregnancy. I'm sure Matt is glad he isn't home for me to complain to however, I doubt any of this would have happened if he were home. You know how Murphy's Law goes. 

The boys and I grabbed something quick to eat and came home to get ready for bed. Its only 7:30 and they are already out like a light. I'm headed there myself. Right after I check my blog reports to see if my husband has even been reading any of my blog posts! So far, he didn't check it all last week. I guess I don't have to sit here and write out this long post, like I wanted to, about how amazing I thought he was and how much the boys and I miss him. I guess I could probably even post all of his Christmas gifts on here and he would never even know. OR... I could tell about this amazing little surprise I have lined up for him that might actually score me a 'Wife of the Year' award. I would tell you all about those things in this post but.. my eyes are heavy and I'm falling asleep as we speak. Maybe tomorrow ;) 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Ruined My Birthday...

92 Days to Go! 

While I am really excited to say those top words, today was probably the hardest day since deployment began. It was very mentally exhausting and had me emotionally drained. As much as I really wanted to enjoy the day of my birth, I probably ruined it for myself. 

First thing this morning, I woke up sick and emotional. I'm assuming since I've been this way for three days, it must be something I've eaten. I had this huge headache that I could only explain as my blood pressure being high. I was seeing spots in front of my eyes and felt light headed. Before I left, I took my dog outside in the front yard because the back yard is getting a makeover, which I will talk more about in a few. As soon as I walk out the door, I inhale an overwhelming amount of gas. Apparently, the neighbors busted a gas line and our street was closed down by MP's. I couldn't get away from the smell. It was so strong, I started gagging and couldn't stop therefor I made myself sick again. I got dressed and met a few girls from my softball team (love these ladies) for a very tasty lunch at a Mexican restaurant that reminded me of back home. I can't wait to take my husband here when he gets home. We've been looking for a place like the one we were used to! I ate a few chips and I'm assuming from the all the gas I inhaled, I immediately got sick again. Barely made it to the bathroom. At this point, my stomach is not very happy with me. 

I did come home to this surprise in my mailbox. The balloons I later found out was from my awesome friend, Jenn. She is really the best battle buddy anyone can ask for. I like to think we help each other get through tough days. We are women and we get emotional and lonely so she is a great person to talk to. We know exactly what each other is going through. I'm definitely thankful for her. In case I don't tell you enough, Jenn, Thank you for always being there, full of insight, ideas and offers to bring me food and such! 

Inside my mailbox, I find two birthday cards, one from Matt's grandma (with money!!! Going to Hobby Lobby in the morning to get some retail therapy after today!) and then a sweet card from my other friend, Sarah! She knows how much I love Olive Garden!! Look what was inside that card! She is amazing. 

That was all of the good stuff so back to this morning. So, I told  you I'd explain the backyard overhaul. We are getting a new fence. A privacy fence. The men have been working on it for 4 days now. The first day, they pull up the old fence and then took the rest of the day off. The second day, they dig holes and put up the new posts, then took the day off. The third day, they came by to put straw down in the yard (not sure why) and then took the rest of the day off. All of this occurred before 10am. They had a really long lunch break I guess. Then today, the day they should be finished, they put up the wood.... all of the wood.... except the gate! The very thing I nee to keep this 100lb dog inside the wonderful fence they put up. It is NOT easy keeping a monster size dog on a leash in the front yard. He wants to chase every squirrel he sees and follow every person in sight. Those tugs don't help my torn rotator cuff in my shoulder. 

And before I start whining about how I ruined my day, here is an updated belly picture. She is growing fast. I'm 6 months in 2 days. 

Now, off to the miserable part. The part that I brought on myself. The part that ruined everything good that even happened today. Like I said, I woke up emotional. Maybe it was pregnancy hormones or the fact that sometimes I over think things. I expect too many things to happen in a certain way. Almost expecting life and the people in it to be like that out of a fairy tale. I know this isn't realistic. I just want certain things to go so right. When they don't, I turn into a negative brat and think how horrible things are for me. Why do I do this to myself? I've asked myself the same thing and have no idea. I don't expect my life to be perfect and I shouldn't expect the people in them to be either so when things just don't work out for me, I shouldn't beat myself up. I can't change people. I can't make them who they aren't. I am trying so hard to learn that I have to accept the way things are and move on. To not let things so small (no matter how big they seem to me) get  under my skin and change the way I feel, both about myself and anyone else involved. Today, I cried like a baby. Swollen face and eyes and didn't even try to enjoy my day with my boys =[ I also didn't get to REALLY talk to the ONE person that has all of the power in the world to make me happy again. The one guy that makes my day better just by seeing his face, without even hearing his voice. I messed all of this up. Instead of sucking up what had been bothering me, I let it affect me and everyone around me. The people that matter the most. I spent my day being so upset with myself that all of my boys suffered. I fell asleep on the couch around 3pm, due to my excessive crybaby fit, and was woke up at 6pm to my kids asking, "Mom, are we going to have dinner tonight?"  Instead of getting up and finishing my day the right way, with dinner, a movie and some snuggling from the ones I love most, I spent it on the couch =[ I love my boys and I promise to make it up to them. I will have another birthday tomorrow. I apologize to everyone that my actions affected today. I'm a brat. I'm just thankful to the people that accept me for the way I am and love me no matter what. We all have flaws. Sometimes we just have to learn to change our own flaws in order to make other people happy or live with them and make other people unhappy. As for me, I guess I'd rather try my hardest to change my bad ways in order to keep myself and the people around me happy. They deserve that and so do I. I promise to try my best from now on <3

Before bed, a few of us were lucky enough to snuggle with the main man. We all miss him. Its really hard being 11,000 miles away from the other half of your heart and not being able to hug the real thing when you feel your worst. For now, we will have to settle for cardboard.